


Sometimes the past can hurt

by BunnyCreekStyleDipTydeGregstophe



Category: South Park
Genre: Childhood Trauma, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 15:36:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21101843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunnyCreekStyleDipTydeGregstophe/pseuds/BunnyCreekStyleDipTydeGregstophe
Summary: Butters isn't as happy as everyone thinks, his friends have noticed his behavior.





	Sometimes the past can hurt

Kenny noticed it first. He usually was a quiet observer, but he genuinely cared about Butters more than he did his other friends, being that he's his boyfriend. So when he touches him lightly on the shoulder while they're talking, and he flinched, he noticed.  
"Leo, are you okay?"  
Immediately he straightened, and to the unobservant eye, seemed completely jumpy. "Yeah, I'm fine. W-why?"  
But Kenny was not the unobservant person. He was Butters boyfriend, and more than that, he was his friend. He knew he often seemed jumpy, and that he suffered anxiety. He knew by looking at his tense jaw, his darting eyes, that he was anything but fine. "You flinched." He said, stating the facts like a scientist in an effort not to scare him.  
He seemed to be putting on a brave face when he said "Oh I don't know why that happened. I..." he shook his head, seemingly about to say something before changing his mind. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Do you and Karen want to go to the park after school?”  
Kenny was confused as to why Butters apologized for flinching. But it seemed clear to him he didn't want to talk about it, and he respected that. "We would love too..." And the discussion continued as nothing had happened.

Tweek noticed it next. It was during the ski lodge trip. When the boys went to bed. Surprisingly, Tweek did not end up rooming with Craig. Instead, he ended up rooming with Butters. Tweek accidentally walked in on Butters changing, and said "GAH shit!" in shock before immediately slamming the door. Butters changed after that, but when Tweek walked back in, knocking first to see if he was done, it was clear Butters was panicking. He was rocking back and forth, and blinking quickly, as though he was trying not to cry. Tweek, unsure what to do, said:" Hey, dude, sorry for Gah walking in on you."  
Butters didn't accept the apology. He seemed to be in his own world, muttering "no, just go away, haven't you done enough!" Tweek was worried but unsure what to do, so he left for a while to hang out with Craig, Token, Clyde and Stan’s group. When he came back, Butters was his calm self.  
"Can we never discuss what happened tonight ever again?" he asked. Tweek was more than happy to agree.

Kenny noticed more strange things about Butters. Like how he never talked about his family, and how he sometimes seemed like he wasn't really there. Like he was listening but thinking about something else completely. But he was always nice to him, and, after the drama, he witnessed with his friends, he was not in the mood to confront anyone about their emotional problems. If he trusted him, he would tell him what he wanted him to know.  
Like everything hard and messed up, the day Butters has to confront it head-on happened in Mr. Slave’s class. They were learning about Sexual assault roles throughout history and about the master narrative. Mr. Slave was asking about signs of women and men’s oppression. And, like most problematic things in Mr. Slave’s class, it was Cartman who brought it up.  
"Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted may experience the same effects of sexual assault as other survivors, and they may face other challenges that are more unique to their experience. Some parents rape their child to teach them a lesson or punish them. Some men who have survived sexual assault as adults feel shame or self-doubt, believing that they should have been “strong enough” to fight off the perpetrator. Many men who experienced an erection or ejaculation during the assault may be confused and wonder what this means. These normal physiological responses do not in any way imply that you wanted, invited, or enjoyed the assault.”  
Most of the class seemed shocked by Cartman’s rage and intelligence, but it effected Butters immensely. He had been waving his hand in the air before, wanting to speak, but put it down. Cartman’s words spun in his head.  
raping their own Sons... raping... you're my son, you're my property, this is how fathers and mothers show their love...Butters, We’re teaching you how to love, Butters, look us in the eye, Butters, we’re fixing you...  
His parents thought raping him would cure him of his anxiety. He remembered this now. He wasn't sure how he had ever forgotten it.  
Butters was shaking. He couldn't hear anything but the memories in his head, and he felt arms on him, his father and mother’s arms, and he stood up and ran out of the room, unaware of the staring students or shell-shocked teacher.  
Cartman was indignant. "What? Can’t he handle the truth? Fucking pussy"  
Mr. Slave had had enough. "Sit down and shut up, Cartman. I don't want to hear another word out of you. Now Kenny, do you have any idea where Butters might run off to in a panic?"  
Kenny wracked his brain before saying "The library, sir. Can I go find him? He seemed freaked out and I wanna help."  
"Yes, but I'm coming with you. Kyle, you're in charge until we get back." Kyle fist-pumped, clearly excited at an opportunity at leadership and to rub it in Cartman’s face. Stan and Craig’s group were all worried about Butters.  
"Mr. Slave, do you have any idea- was Butters-" Kenny didn't want to ask this question, didn't want to think of his boyfriend having suffered so terribly at the hands of a man, woman or anyone who was supposed to take care of him, but he felt like he was going to burst if he didn't find out what was going on.  
"All I know is his parents are in jail. I don't know, but for his sake, I truly hope not. But based on the way he acted today, I'm-" Mr. Slave took a deep breath. "I'm inclined to say yes."  
“But isn’t Butters in your custody?”  
“Yes but Mr. Broflovski said Butters was in my and Al’s custody as Butters parents are in jail and Butters will tell us why when he’s ready.”  
When they found him, Butters was under the table, knees against her chest in a protective stance. Upon seeing Mr. Slave, he froze, and then yelled: "Don't touch me!" Mr. Slave backed away, and Kenny crawled under. Butters backed further into the corner, tensed, breathing fast. It appeared the worst was over, in that he became responsive quickly. When he actually registered exactly who was with him, he said "I didn't want you to see me like this. I wanted you to love me."  
Kenny looked at him; his tear-stained cheeks and stimming hands and knew the truth. "I still love you even when you're scared and can't be touched, Leo. You're important to me."  
"Kenny, I- My parents did something- they-" he slowed his breathing and tried again "they-" he couldn't say the word rape yet, despite the memories and the body feelings he still had, despite knowing in his bones that was what it was, so he said "They did bad things, and I-" he started crying again. "I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was why I-" deep breath again "I ran off. I was triggered. But I'm okay for now." Suddenly the bell rang, meaning the school day was over. Mr. Slave left the two in the library, thinking they would wish to be alone.  
"So what does this mean?" Kenny asked, concerned. "Can I help in any way?"  
"Yes, er, well, I don't know. Sometimes I want to be hugged or just sit on your lap with your arms around me that makes me feel safe, or I just want to eat with only you, so asking before you touch me is nice, although you usually did that anyway. Um, when I have a flashback I usually start fidgeting my fists and unclenching them, so if you could distract me in any way possible when I do that, it would be appreciated. And please, please don't call me Butters. they- that was the name they used, and the name they called me in court, and... And to you, I'm Butters! I'm a happy kid, not some scared victim who let things happen to him" Kenny began to protest but Butters held out his hand in a stop motion before continuing. "I'm smart and a friend and your boyfriend. And, if I seem out of it, don't take it personally. I don't want to see them in you- I don't want to be high maintenance, I'm sorry." Butters felt terrible. He never talked about his PTSD or his parents outside of therapy, and now he was dragging his precious, loving boyfriend into this pile of rubbish.  
Kenny reassured her. "You're not high maintenance, babe. I appreciate you for telling me what you need."

Butters needed rest after all that had happened that day. The next day though, their friends Tweek, Craig, Stan, Kyle, Token, Clyde, Timmy and Jimmy all wanted to know how he was doing. He told them. "Cartman’s comments about sexual assault kind of freaked me out a bit, but I'm fine now."  
Butters wanted to think about his trauma as little as he possibly could, and, in spite of a small comment from Clyde ("A bit freaked out? You looked like he had turned into some demon or something!"), their friends were all nice enough to allow him that. And Kenny spoiled him in treats a bit more often and Karen asked before hugging him a bit more often and Mr. Slave began mentioning when topics that could make people uncomfortable came up in class a bit more often, well, there was nothing wrong with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I do struggle with PTSD and anxiety and some of this is based on my experiences but not as bad as Butters pain.


End file.
